Sorry haven’t been around much lately. Just recently became part of the Funtoo Core Dev team. So that’s awesome.
It’s been a while since I’ve updated. I apologize for that. A lot’s been going on in my life, including as of last night I finally decided (more or less dug myself in a hole) to tell that girl how I feel/have felt for the last few years.
I am not surprised that she doesn’t know what to say, and I don’t expect anything from her. I don’t expect anything from anyone. I feel kind of stupid, and in the middle of our conversation she went to sleep, but she said we’d continue our conversation tomorrow. Well, today rather. I mean, maybe it’ll end okay, maybe it won’t. All I really know is that she’s been my best friend since I was 11, (10 years) and we’ve always been close, though the past few years we haven’t.
I am, by no means, expecting anything to come from this (as I said), but a couple people I’ve talked to has said that it may be better than I thought, but you never know.
I mean, the fact that I haven’t been able to say anything to her for years, it makes it more difficult for me. I mean, we’re adults (I’m 21, she’s 22), and given everything we’ve been through, seen each other go through, you’d think I’d grow up and say something years ago. But, I guess, it was a lot that when I saw her when I was 17, and she left back for Indiana, it really fucked me up. It was that last thing that kind of pushed me over the edge. We stopped talking shortly after that, at least consistently talking, I thought I did something wrong. I don’t know, it’s like we pushed each other away.
Granted we’ve both been through quite a bit in the last few years, but I always thought it was me that did something wrong. I have no idea, and I don’t want to ask. I’ve been dreading this conversation for a long time, not that it’s a bad conversation, I just don’t want to either
1.) lose my best friend
2.) make things weird, which will inevitably end in me losing my best friend
or 3.) be that weird person who is obsessive
which I don’t think I am, but who knows. I hope to just figure it out. I hope the conversation goes well. That’s all I’ve got for now. Setup a new server here at home running ampache. It’s also running apache (
www-servers/apache). But more on that on my other blog.
Since the last I posted I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, as usual. I go to see my therapist tomorrow. Mainly, I have just been thinking about what I want to do for the rest of my life. Regardless of my knowledge of computers, I don’t want to do that. This came as a surprise to a few people, others it didn’t. I want to become a mechanic though. I like working on cars. And I am going to look at some different schools and shit to do that. I had some of the best times working on cars.
I am saving up to buy an old beat up Toyota Supra that still has a working engine, and I am going to rebuild it. I think it’ll be fun. I’ll be sure to post pictures or updates or something.
I don’t really know what else there is right now. Just shit with this girl is the same. Although she did text me today. I’ve been not texting her, because I figure if she wants to talk to me she will. So that was cool. That’s really about it.
Sorry it’s so short but I just am not in the mood for anything lately. Maybe I’ll write more some other time.
I’ve decided that I will no longer be making posts related to Linux here. I recently came to the conclusion that I want to keep my personal shit away from my Linux posts, so if you’d like to look or follow the Linux blog and not this one, I under stand. The new blog is called emergesync and I will be posting about Gentoo and Sabayon there. Just thought I’d give you all a heads up.
Anyway, lately I’ve just been trying to keep my head up about everything going on in my life. It’s not simple, and I wish it were easier, but I have two choices here. I either get the help I need now, or wait and have things get even worse. It’s somewhat of a no brainer, though I’m afraid to get help. Because there’s always the potential I could get worse either way. Everyone seems hopeful except for me.
My parents are going away for the weekend this weekend, which will be nice for them. I feel bad, as they are trying to cope with all this stuff just as much as I am and I wish it were easier on them as well.
Lately, I’ve mostly been debating on how to talk to this girl. We talk, but I mean more so if I should tell her how I feel again, or just leave it alone. I am not entirely sure what to do with that one. We’ve been close for a long time, about 10 years or so, I’m not sure anymore it’s been so long. And along with not knowing if I should tell her, I don’t know how to even bring something like that up. She’s a huge part of my life, even when we weren’t talking as much she was still always as important to me as always. I don’t know. It’s not even that complicated. I guess, I just am mostly afraid of what the answer will be. In the sense of her not giving me any form of an answer and not talk to me anymore, or giving me a vague answer. It’s hard to come to a conclusion with this one. Because part of me feels like I should, but another part of me says I shouldn’t. I guess I’ll figure that all out later.
School is going. It’s not bad, it’s not good, it’s just going. I am trying my best in it, and I’m doing all my homework and shit. The stress of school is getting to me though, and it’s not even that bad. With my mental illness stress makes everything worse, and it’s harder for me to deal with stress than the average person. Makes life difficult sometimes. That’s the whole point of medication and therapy though, to help me cope with stress and my mental illness more efficiently so I can live a life more close to what society deems normal.
As a kid, I thought that everyone was the same way I was, and my parents didn’t think twice about the way I was. Why would they? To them I was just their son.
Now I am 21 and dealing with all of this, to find out it’s more serious than anyone ever imagined it would be. Recently, I’ve been having my parents come into my therapy appointments so we can all be on the same page. It’s been nice, but I feel like they’re treating me differently lately. Everyone tells me it’s all in my head, but I don’t know. I can’t figure out if it is or not. Either way I don’t have much else to say. I just wish I could figure out my life. Simple as that.
I don’t really know what to say. I’ve got a therapy appointment later today. I’m hoping it goes well. Just been thinking a lot lately, my life hasn’t been the easiest. I just want everything to be okay. I’m going to go on some medication to help with some mental illness, but I’m also kind of afraid to do that. It’s weird. I don’t know. Just awake and can’t sleep. Wanted to write but I have no idea what to say. I just am trying to figure out my life, and it’s not easy. I wish it was. I know there’s a few people worried about me. I don’t know. I’ll figure something out.
Enjoy this screenshot of Mario Party on mupen64plus
So this will be short, but to enable my own laziness further I wrote a bash script to handle my update. I named this file ‘update.sh’. Now, I didn’t want to be able to run it as a regular user, nor did I want to keep doing
./update.sh. So I did what any sane person would do and I added it to a path. The one I chose, that was not in my regular users path, but was in root was
/sbin/. So all I did was
# cp update.sh /sbin/update
Do you want to update? Yes or No?
Now, I have a ‘custom’ command, more or less, and I can further be lazy when I update. (Not too lazy though, as in the command I have –ask option, but it cuts my typing time down. I also wanted to add color, so that’s why there are variables at the beggining)
Anyway, here’s the script, if you’re using Gentoo, it could come in handy.
#!/bin/bash red=$(tput setaf 1) green=$(tput setaf 2) reset=$(tput sgr0) while true; do read -p "Do you want to update?$green Yes$reset or$red No$reset? " yn case $yn in [Yy]* ) emerge --sync && emerge -uDNavt world; break;; [Nn]* ) exit;; * ) echo "Please answer yes or no.";; esac done
I’m not that great at writing shell scripts, and I also had to look up how to make it work like a custom command (link to article I looked up for ‘custom command’ (pathetic, lame, whatever you wanna call it, at least I’m honest)). This shell script took me about an hour to write. Which as small as it is, could be kinda long, but I’m learning. I’ve never really been into it that much. Initially I was going to try with python, but I decided a bash script would be easier, and it was. So there you have it.
It’s been about two weeks since my last update, a little less.
I don’t really have much to say, as far as my normal life goes. But I will say this:
Isn’t it weird how over the years someone can mean so much to you, but they probably don’t think of you nearly as much as you do them? I think it’s weird. I guess sometimes I don’t really understand it. It’s just something that happens, people come and go out of our lives, but that sucks. I wish it wasn’t like that, but what can you do? At least that girl I was writing about the other day has been talking to me more. It’s been really nice. I don’t really have much to say about Linux right now either. Though I did find this cool program to play Pandora Radio from the command line. It’s called pianobar (
I really am liking it, at least for the short time I’ve been using it.
It’s pretty simple to use, it has a lot of commands, to see them while you’re running the program from
user@host ~ $ pianobar
Just using ‘?’ will bring up all available commands, or you could do what I’m about to do and add a launcher for it. If you’re using XFCE this is simple as right clicking on a panel, pressing ‘Add new items’ and then adding something; make sure you click on ‘Run in Terminal’ though.
That’s how I set it up, also set a custom icon, because there isn’t one. I’ll get the Pandora logo later on. That’s pretty much all I’ve got for now. Will write sometime later.